You know when you look forward to something....

... and then it ends up being total shite? Yeah well, I was worried that the very statement above was going to happen when I met my idol (see previous post) but it didn't. That was why I hesitated - albeit for a mere 2 seconds - I still hesitated for a moment. Because the fantasy is sometimes more exciting than the actual "thing". Nothing is worse than believing that the anticipation and expectation of the ideal moment is going to happen... only to have the absolute worst experience happen and completely burst your bubble and leave you vulnerable and disappointed. Well that's what happened when I watched Rob Zombie's Halloween. Okay, okay!! I'm being a little bit melodramatic! But I was sooooo looking forward to seeing the film in the theatre and my wonderful friend Steve handed me a screener copy to watch at my leisure. How awesome is that?! So I did what I normally do when I am about to watch a horror movie. I turn the lights off, I pour myself a big glass of wine and I make sure that my phone is off - so as to not distract me from a good scare the shit out of me evening. Sigh... all that effort goes wasted as I had to witness Baby's awful acting within the the first few moments of the film. I mean, she's beautiful - she is married to Rob Zombie after all - but she shouldn't have been playing anything other than the psychotic daughter of the Firefly family. She was awful in this role. I knew right then and there. The movie only went downhill from that moment on. As much as I'm disappointed about that, I'm sooo happy that Steve gave me a copy to watch in my own home, versus paying to watch it in a theatre and feel completely ripped off. Sigh. As I suspected.... the anticipation is sometimes better than the real thing.

The comedown....

.... it had to be expected. sigh. It's all a distant memory now

and baby makes three?

... I can't even find my "plus one". is that a big deal? not to ME it isn't! but why do I find it extremely annoying when someone proceeds to tell me how much their child has changed their life? why is it that I feel I have to constantly justify myself and the things I do to the smug marrieds, who have become the smug marrieds plus baby? I honestly am not jealous. I truly don't think I want kids. I think it's lovely when other people have children when they want to have children. If I were to get pregnant now - not only would it be THE immaculate conception, but let's not dwell on that - but it would also be the beginning of an intervention, as I'd be drinking to take away the pain. Don't get me wrong, other peoples kids are nice and all, but I just don't have the desire to have any of my own. BUT WHY IS THAT SUCH A BIG DEAL?? Didn't any of you watch Ally McBeal?? The pretty blonde who wanted to focus on her career and not have the children that her body was so traditionally created and expected to bear - am I the only one who resonated with that character? While I will be the first one to remind people never to say never, I will also remind people that I will never do something just because everyone else is doing it. I am not sure why I felt the need to write about this, but I did. Maybe it's because in my friends' wedding today the priest asked if they would accept children into their home, if "God Blessed them to do so", and me and my friend sitting next to me looked at each other and mouthed "HELL NO!" "We want birth control!"

I still can't sleep... but this time it's for a reallllly good reason

So where do I start? I didn't manage to get tickets to see Body of War at TIFF. Why this is a big deal? Because Eddie Vedder was to perform the 2 songs he wrote for this film. That's why. So I decide to leave work as fast as I can and head directly to the rush line and wait. And that's what I did. I waited. I got to the line at about 5:20pm, the movie starts at 9pm. So a good, insanely loyal fan time to get there, no? There were about 5 or 6 people already waiting in line. We all got to chatting and the guy that was second in line tells us that Eddie has already walked by and he spoke with him, and he said he'd most likely come back after soundcheck. Get the fuck outta here! He's already here?! Now this is getting interesting. I was chatting with the girl ahead of me in line and she asks if I brought something to get autographed. Autograph? I don't even think I'm going to get in to see the film, never mind MEET HIM. So I thought "Shit! I have nothing...... wait! You have a sharpie and I have my ipod, that could work, no?"

So a few more minutes of chitter chatter when Jennifer says.... "He's right there" HOLY FUCK. I actually hesitated for a second because I do not want to be an annoying fan running up to EDDIE FUCKING VEDDER and asking him for an autograph. But then the voice in my head says "when the fuck will you EVER get the chance to meet Eddie Vedder ever again?" SO I walk up to him and meekly say hello and ask him if he would mind signing my ipod. He says "Yeah, no problem" I'm shaking - obviously - and am trying to hold my ipod steady on the book I was holding. So I manage to get it to a spot that will work for him to sign it. So he LEANS AGAINST ME so he can sign it without it moving around... oooooh gawd, I just about died. I snapped a photo of him signing an autograph for someone else and asked him if we could take some photos and he says "No, I'm really sorry but we have to go have dinner before the show" I snapped one more photo of him SO DAMN CLOSE TO ME HIS BEARD IS SHARP. So me and Jennifer float away and I am in awe. I just met Eddie Fucking Vedder. The person who I've idolized since I was 15 years old just signed my fucking ipod. I am shaking just writing this.

Now let me clarify something. I am not in love with Eddie Vedder or Pearl Jam just because he's hot. Their music has definitely affected, and in some cases, changed my life. I remember the day I first heard the song Alive. I immediately went out and got the CD and listened to that thing constantly. That was a definite turning point in my life. So to meet the person who has been singing those words and playing the music that has shaped my life for 16 years, is a big fucking deal. Alright, now that I've cleared that up, I will continue with the story. :)

So we're pretty much still in shock that we've just met him. The rest of the time in line was us chit chatting and making friends with the other people in line. The temperature is now dropping slowly and we're starting to get cold. Then we see a flash. Then we hear what sounds like thunder. Fuck. All of a sudden, it starts pouring... hard. We are getting completely drenched and the movie isn't starting for another half hour. They aren't letting the rich people out of the theatre because they are all worried they may get wet. So we wait and wait and wait - in the pouring rain. I know this is a long story, feel free to take a break. But you can't tell the story about an evening like this in a few sentences, so go get yourself a fucking coffee or something. Eventually they start letting everyone in and we're keeping our fingers crossed that we will get in. They come to the rush line and say that they have 12 tickets. One, two, three.. fuck. I'm number 13. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry... He comes back a few seconds (which felt like hours at this point) later and hands me a pink ticket. YES!!!! I run upstairs to the balcony and find myself a seat. My teeth are chattering and my feet are frozen, but it's all worth it. I got in.

The film starts and it's an unbelievably moving film to watch. Tomas Young is an amazing, brave and strong person and seeing his story was moving and upsetting and uplifting all at the same time. Check out the website and read his story, it's something that everyone needs to hear - www.bodyofwar.com - and it's completely obvious why Eddie Vedder wrote 2 songs for this film. The film gets a wonderful reception and the audience applause is so loud it's overwhelming. Tomas Young is here for the premiere and he comes out on stage and gets a standing ovation, the audience is cheering and clapping, it's amazing. Then Eddie Vedder comes out on stage and performs 2 beautiful and emotional songs, it was surreal to be in a room with 450-500 people watching all of this. Being a part of this night was so special and it's actually hard to put into words how I felt and am still feeling. Watching something like that makes you realize that there is so much more we can do to help make this world a better place. It's humbling and empowering at the same time.

So I haven't slept much this week, but really.... that's okay :)

The land of Race car ya-yas

It is the land where you can't change lanes. Sometimes I want to change lanes. Is it just me? I want to get out of the fast lane and coast in the slow lane sometimes. Walking past all of the starstruck people hovering for a glimpse of whoever the fuck it was at the Four Seasons tonight made me wonder what it's all about? Don't get me wrong, meeting a celeb isn't totally on the bottom of my to-do list, BUT fucked if I will ever reduce myself to waiting around to catch a glimpse of someone who doesn't give a flying fuck about you and how many times you've watched their movies and how many lines you've memorized. I guess it's all about the fantasy for me. Wondering what it's like - assuming it is the most perfect and romantic and wonderful and "real" connection you could ever have with anyone. All in the comfort of your own head. It's pretty innocent, no? Well, it's also pretty fucked up. I will admit to being slightly obsessed with certain people, but not in a psychotic way. Okay, okay - my email address... geez. I see your point. I guess the buzz of TIFF has skewed my sense of reality. Is it because I wasn't able to get tickets to the ONE fucking movie I want to see this year? Hmmm... perhaps. Am I bitter? Yeah, whatever. What's your point? Do I ramble when I am annoyed? Well, duh! Janna has obviously created a monster. It's not my fault. Really.

Placebo - Running up that hill

this is just strangely painful and I don't know what to say except watch it and listen to the lyrics. xo

Anticipation

Anticipate and evaluate
What he thought
And what I thought before
You’re broken like me
Like me before

Dark place is your place
I take dark drive to your place
You’re staring me
You’re staring with your inside eyes

Knowing you, knowing me
We’re deeply sorry
You’re broken maybe baby

Maybe it didn’t happen
Maybe all of this would go away
And if we’re ever young again
He’ll anticipate
We’ll evaluate

Is the anticipation better than the real thing?

Sleep and Sensibility

...sleep is totally overrated. I just don't get how you can be exhausted - to the point where people look at you at 8:30pm and say, "You look tired" i.e. "You look like shit" - yet, you are tossing and turning at 2:15am with eyes wide open? Am I having a hard time sleeping because of the anticipation? Perhaps. Do I have too much on my mind and not enough daytime hours to think about it? Maybe. Even when I do all the "right" things: I eat properly, I don't drink an entire bottle of wine on a Wednesday night and get to bed at a "normal" hour, it still doesn't make a fucking difference. I guess the issue for me is that it's becoming a bit more distressing now that I'm older and my body can't live on 5 hours sleep anymore. Kind of like how you were once able to eat whatever the hell you wanted and your ass didn't judge you for it a few weeks later. Well, unfortunately those days are over. As much as that is reality, reality sucks. Why can't I just program myself to be okay on like 5 or 6 hours of sleep? I think I'd be much happier. I would have the time to do all of the creative things that I can't do during the day. Because clients really don't give a fuck that you have been trying to interpret and define who "you" are by collaging old memorabilia and going through your catalogue of vivid memories with vodka and Interpol on loop. They are making a difference in the world by putting out yet another fucking flavour of chemical laced pop, so save your little art project for someone who cares.

I guess I will just have to live with this for now. I am taking my friend Janna's advice and blogging - gawd, I hate that word - and writing my thoughts down every morning for 5 minutes as my friend Kathryn suggested, so as to keep the creativity moving. So far, so good. Okay, so my sleeping habits suck. SFW. We'll see what I come up with tomorrow. :)

Summer songs - who needs em?

okay, I never really got the whole "feel good summer song" business. I first heard this song when it was cold outside, so that eliminates the whole "summer" bit right there. I guess it all stems from the fact that I get reallllly annoyed when I fall in love with a song and then 102.1 "the edge" (more on that some other time) gets a hold of it and practically plays the song on fucking loop until you can't turn the radio on without hearing the bloody song. Is it because I want the song all to myself? partly. Is it also because I can't stand when people like bands because of one song? uh, anyone have to witness the ginos wearing their brand new Pearl Jam shirts (just purchased at the merch booth) at a Pearl Jam concert (FIRST rule of concerts, you DO NOT wear a t-shirt depicting the band you're about to see in concert!! I digress...) just hoping they will play Alive? my point exactly. Okay, okay, so sometimes I take things a little bit personally. Sue me. :)

Surfers Paradise

I just watched John from Cincinatti. Holy fuck. I mean, I have always loved surfing - more specifically surfers - but I have always been fascinated with the world of surfing. But after watching this show, I realized that I have been drawn to something that I just couldn't place my finger on. This show is quite intriguing and really delves into characters souls in a way that on the surface, most people wouldn't equate with surfing. The relationship that people have with surfing makes so much more sense to me, now that I'm seeing it from a perspective other than watching hot guys surf the waves. Don't get me wrong, that part will never change (smile) but now there is something a lot deeper that I can relate to. Even though I could never surf - my balance is pathetic and I'm a chicken shit who can't swim - I feel an even closer connection to something I was never able to express or even understand.

Dammit, now I really need to get cable.

(I can't post the video, it's too large and it's not working - booo)