Chaos theory

So I was posed with a question that has got me thinking... 'When did the chaos begin and at what point in my life did I feel as though I wasn't dealing with constant turmoil?' This is a tough one... I had an instant thought, but wasn't sure if it was just my instinctual reaction because I was in a relationship and felt safe and somewhat protected. I tend to think it's not entirely the case, as I'm not someone who needs or wants to be protected, in fact I get a bit annoyed when people smother me. YET, I long for that feeling of having someone there to hold me when I need it, or to have someone to hold when they need it. Not that I don't have anyone, it's not that... It's just my situation is much different than it was back then. The things that make up my day to day life are completely different than they were a mere 3 years ago. I'm totally okay with that. I have a definite "list" of needs, for lack of a better way of describing it, that to some people would make no sense, I'm sure. I want to be independent, yet want someone to hold me when I'm sad. I don't want to smother someone or be smothered, yet I want someone to catch me when I fall. I want to take care of someone, yet don't want to be seen as inferior. I don't want to be questioned, but yet want to be trusted. I want to feel secure, but need to be reassured. I am okay with most of these things, and don't think they are necessarily all that contradictory, but understand that if someone doesn't know me well enough it may seem a bit fucked up.

There are a lot of things that just make sense to me, but I'm not sure that those things have ever worked in a relationship except when I was in my 20's. And those years had a certain element of ignorance, as I hadn't quite figured out who I was yet. So now, I think I know who I am and am trying to create a life that sort of "fits" that, and it's been quite trying. I feel as though I'm taking back some of the control, but it's a long process. I'm feeling less overwhelmed, and strangely, can't tell you why! Yet tomorrow is the "big day" and I have been feeling quite overwhelmed about that... I wonder how weird it's going to be.