Parker Posey should be playing me in the film about my life...

I really want to change lanes. Better yet, I want to take a new route altogether. I'm sick and fucking tired of my future and my life being controlled by other people. Yes, I know - to a certain extent everything is controlled by the people around us and by the things we do when interacting with them, I'm fully aware of that. But I haven't felt as though I've been in control of my own shit for some time now, and not without a huge effort on my part. I'm completely and utterly drained. I honestly don't know how much more one little person can take!!! Is it too much to ask to be happy and not have people try to fucking drag you through the mud at every fucking turn? Yes, it can be worse. But jesus christ, if it can be worse than this, then I am packing it in and moving to the goddamn mountains. I think Joaquin Phoenix is on to something. If I wasn't so fucking broke, maybe I COULD just run away, let my curls live the crazy life they want to live and escape from it all. It's so tempting - I really believe there is some force out there testing me. At this point, I'm seriously looking around wondering when the fucking camera crew is going to wrap it up and go away!! And I don't even get the perks of having a stylist and craft services to dress and feed me everyday.

How am I supposed to keep my composure for the next little while? I haven't been able to think about it without crying and I will be forced to talk about it until it happens - all the while pretending that I'm okay that someone has ripped the rug from beneath me, YET AGAIN. I wear my heart on my sleeve, anyone who has known me for even 5 fucking minutes can tell if something is wrong just by looking at my face. Where can I get that poker face? I'm not saying I want to change who I am, because - on most days - I like that person. But it hasn't seemed to be working for me lately. My head and my heart can't take much more of this. But I have to put on a happy face for all of the assholes around me. I somehow need to figure out how to do that... and fast.