Letting go

How does that saying go? 'If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was'... I joke about loving the "anger" - I really don't. I can make light of it, because that's the only way I can actually survive and live through this shit, but I don't really enjoy being angry. I'm hoping to set it free and that it loses it's way coming back to me. Then that means it was never mine to begin with.

This week has been intense, for many reasons. Having my brother here with me is admittedly draining, but that's only because we're the SAME person in so many ways. Our "thing" since getting our relationship back, has been sitting around for hours talking and bouncing shit off of each other. He's gotten me to think about a lot of things this week. That's why it's always so hard to say goodbye to him, and I wish I had my big brother here with me all the time. He's the only one who gets me. Strange that he's the only family member I've NEVER had a fight with. This week he said he moved away to escape his family, and he wishes he never said that. He told me he didn't want to escape me and realized how that comes off to me and other people when he says that. I can't blame him for wanting to escape, I wish I could escape it all most days. But it always catches up with you...

I've realized that I tend to have a certain emotional reaction to whatever it is that's going on in my life. Dealing with it and trying to figure it out in whatever way works for that situation usually consists of, crying, drinking, laughing, talking to my friends or retreating completely. Sometimes I do all of the above, in any given order, depending on the situation. Then I usually resign myself to whatever decision I've made and move on. I truly don't have many regrets in my life, because I go through every single possible fucking thing and try to figure out how it's going to affect me and the people around me. So when that happens, I feel "ready". I've realized this week that I'm "ready" to move, and I'm ready to move now. And this is where the impatience comes in. This isn't a zen-like ready, it's a "let's get this fucking show on the road because I need to throw up my bitter, just don't give a fuck wall and get you out of my face" ready. THIS is what I need to work on. The initial emotional reaction and then the emotional outcome. I'm ready to work on that. I've been ready to work on that for some time and I can honestly say I've really been trying. but I know this is going to be a long road...

I keep repeating these lyrics in my head and it seems to make me feel like it's going to be okay... No matter how cold the Winter, there is a Spring time ahead. I'm thumbing my way back to heaven...